people say it is soothing
that it is,
and it purges
doesn’t always wash everything away,
rain just douses you.
and no cloud
all that precipitation
purify you back to
it weakens something so much,
drenched so thoroughly
to it’s core
that it starts falling
with no strength left
it cannot hold itself
How well does anybody know anybody else?
Perhaps to their core, sufficiently to their sweeping compassed being. Maybe only the bristling scrape of their shallowest puddles & surfaces.
I suppose the question
it can be rewritten
How well can everybody hide themselves?
Difficulty maintaining connections is something you may face. It isn’t a circumstance of your dislike and it certainly does not signify or represent your lack of value of your friends and said persons.
Rather you find it a result of finding yourself mitigated and dulled by your craving and want for routine and personal space to breathe. It is neither wrong nor spiteful to feel so, however it is wrong to not empathise and see perspective of those you care about. It is a two way track that requires both parties to communicate and try to understand.
Do not become accustomed to self-centring your existence. Life is fuller and much more gratifying when shared. Love yourself and those around you and those stitches and wracks of perceived loneliness will all but disappear.
Nobody likes to be alone, if only for a minute measure of stability then with convicting assurance, definitely not forever. Open up and everything will open for you.
Who you were three years ago is not who you are now.
The same person, same being, yet entirely different. Values shift, perspectives differ and feelings waver. Your outlook may peer into the same future as you did back then, but the glasses you saw them through is probably now a different shade.
Perhaps a different hue altogether.
Change is inevitable, big or small. It can be subtle or momentum reversing, but it converges your existence into a singularity. If you believe in such things as fate or destiny, then change is the turning points that direct your path along the famished road.
Embrace the person you were yesterday and learn to love who you became today because of it. Embrace the change that may come with trepidation, for it will shape who you become tomorrow.
Do not let it consume your character. Or let it define you, for only you have the final verdict in defining yourself. Not the pre-actions of things outside your control.
You will always be you, a very beautiful human you.
I’ve been on cloud nine since yesterday, seeing Hannah, I just… she really is just too wonderful and I miss her a lot when she’s away, but it all so worth it.
I always try refrain from being so up front and boastful, brandishing the things about us on show because I don’t ever want to be that guy. When i (only last year) was so vehemently berating and denouncing couples for lauding relationships as exhibitions.
This isn’t that at all.
I never thought I’d be one to sit here and indulge in the warmth & happiness she showers me with and then express it so openly, but it really does make me want to and i just want a little personal little moment to try record anecdotes reflecting it all. Something to hopefully echo the feelings and true contentedness in maybe not succinct but at least with an effort of concision and pithy (although it’s very difficult to get it all down).
Sometimes, I do not fathom how I’ve ended up with such a lovely and thoughtful girlfriend, or what i may have done to deserve her. But i assure and prompt myself to always strive to do things day to day, that let me deserve her. The road looks long ahead of us, but I find myself looking forward to it more every passing day.
I like to keep what we have mostly private. But once in a while, I want to log turning points when realisation staggers onto me, when the meaning and matter of her in my life and her unintentional, subtle and worthier effects on me finds clarity in my mind at night.
I just want to remember them all. The little things, churches and promises until one day it will perhaps come full circle and i can look back fondly and maybe show and share it with her too.
i) The weight of guilt and shame.
It is such that it would give your frame
to involuntary subjugation
ii) Sinewy flesh and brittle bones
cannot withstand the burdensome load nor the culpability.
For it is only you who must carry it.
iii) For without the strength of spoken truth
without qualm or uncertaintity
it is you. Alone, who deserve to bear it
cannot sleep? or will not sleep?
it is neither choice of one or to force the other
another night, awake twilight
the view of all sky's colours
and when that morning rays doth bathe the dawn
it is only you who will suffer
I think there comes a point in everybody’s young adult life where you realise you aren’t as misguided, broken and unredeemable as you once thought.
That you too have every right to happiness as those around you and you realise you do deserve every graced second of it. You start to accept yourself and love your flaws.
You just hadn’t noticed it was always there and that perhaps you had just been looking for it in the wrong place and in the wrong way.
Then you can look back and smile because that’s growing up too.
Sometimes in life things come wrapped in hurt, blessings don’t always come in the form of softened velvet gift wrapped presents. Like the seed of a chestnut, sometimes it appears to fall down on you coated in its spiny thorny shell, prickly and sharp ready to cut and hurt you.
But the most fulfilling and greatest blessings are not easy to pick up and take, underneath the often painful barbed exterior is the potential, the possibility to grow into a magnificent tree, inside each singular chestnut.
With warmth, water, light and care one seed is all it takes.
Perhaps it is the balanced nature of pain and love that allows the hurt to teach you true understanding and appreciation of what it is that you hold in your hand.
Look around you, be aware, of the nuances you cause,
to your actions.
Emotional vigilance. Keen sense of the effects of your reactionary cause.
It’s important to prioritise the things that really matter, to understand the weight of your everyday actions, the impact of everything. I think those who have become too used to being themselves and a resolute individual, they tend to forget to realise that the world isn’t just them.
The world is the people around you, those you share your life with throughout whatever means, you effect that disregarding if you want to or not. Coming to terms with that will shape every definable action you will ever take.
Learning the lesson or rather understanding this fact is heavy but it is inevitably vital to learn.
Can I just say as a fellow idiot, reckless self centred cretin and all socially & emotionally cluelesses fridges out there…
I apologise in deepest regard for how insensitive we can be sometimes in comparison to the others. How clueless we can be and not even realise the shitty things we do in hard bone headed stubborness.
But in concern of the people who matter, never is it with ill or wrong intent. Always just a lack of deeper empathetic thought.
I guess what I’m trying to say is sorry for the inane stupidity and our inability to see the things you see.
I have learnt that;
to care for someone, is not showering them with false words of love and empty sentences you do not mean. To care for someone, is not spending every second with each other. To care for someone, is not part time, whenever you may feel so, it is not half-hearted or out of force and it is not because of the way they wear their hair. It is not out of sympathy or empathy or to make you feel better,
It is; compromise and understanding who they are, it is cherishing both smiles and frowns, it is sharing your happiness together. It is bearing the weight of their burdens at night and taking their pains out after. It is enjoying their presence, their words and their breath and relishing the sound of their laughter.
To care for someone is to care for them, without a question or answer.
I often think;
why is it that people like the rain so much?
Is it the sound? The gush of heavy torrential pour. The feel? The sight of cascading torrents of droplets?
Is it the nostalgia & melancholy repetition of the patters.
It is probably the feeling
of peaceful tranquilty and earthly stillness
how it washes away everything from ill thoughts to dull aches & veritable heat.
how it encompasses you
into its soft lulling safety.
It is probably all of it.
Sudden moments of backwards inertia that trip you up while you were wandering happily usually come in the quiet evenings.
it’s quite a dull ache of something akin to rainy boredom and unknown chest pangs.
I thought I was past the melancholy but I guess I’m just too tired and the positivity just ran out today, I’m just going to bed now and lay there stare into space or if i can muster it, write it all away until i fall asleep with ink on my face.
Best just let it fade and wait for the moon’s warmth to do away with it.
I’ll wake up with strength or something similar so I’ll be ok. I’ll be ok…